Living Between Fear and Change
Living between fear and change is an interesting place to be. What if you could go anywhere in the world? What if you could go to a place on your bucket list and live there for a while? Would you go? I feel like everyone would jump at the opportunity… but do they consider the fears that would prevent them from going, or is it just me? While this is an amazing opportunity, and I’d love to go, I question what my life would look like in that place. How do I meet people like me?
Between Fear and Change
The funny thing is, I’m facing this issue here in my current living area, so why am I so hesitant to leave? Because I feel like I just got settled into life. This is the fear and change i’m facing. I have a dog now, I’ve been in therapy, my diet is a little crazy (ugh, seasonal depression—I eat my feelings at times), and I have a solid work-life balance. But I’ve been feeling the need for change. America is awesome, and I love it here, but I want to experience a different way of existing. My family is packing up and going, so I may as well go too… but I’m not so sure. I feel conflicted.
Fear and Change: What’s Holding Me Back?
At the same time, I’ve just moved, and it’s been insane. My puppy peed on the apartment carpet, and I did intend to clean it, but when I came back from outside, I couldn’t find the spot. The neighbor recorded me, printed pictures, and put them up around the apartment. I felt so violated and harassed by that. Initially, I tried to apologize. I went to the door, rang the doorbell, and knocked to apologize and offer to clean it. Then I processed it and started to feel so uncomfortable about the whole thing, and my anxiety heightened because I felt like I was being watched every time I went by that door. I don’t even feel comfortable staying there now, so I packed an overnight bag and left. As I was leaving, there was a person driving in the car behind me who was driving extremely fast like they were about to hit me, and they almost hit the car behind me. It’s so uncomfortable. I don’t know where to go, but I do not feel safe in that place. And to top it off, I paid rent that morning before everything started.
Moving forward. More Questions.
So, what’s next for me? I don’t know. I would love to start fresh in a new place, but I have so many questions. So much fear and change at the same time, it’s hard to balance. Work, love life, shopping, lifestyle, racism. What does all of that look like in a different country where there aren’t a ton of people who look like me? Fear. That’s my biggest blocker. The fear of leaving, though, is just as bad as the fear of staying. It’s a weird place to be. I feel uncomfortable. But I’m choosing to look at this as an opportunity to grow in some way.
Embracing Growth.
How can I grow in this phase? By not resisting the changes that are coming. So that’s what I’ll do. I’m taking it day by day, hour by hour, and minute by minute. Breathe, sit up straight, and breathe. That’s all I can do because worry causes wrinkles (lol). For years, I’ve taken this life too seriously and got nothing but inflammation from it. So now, instead of stressing about it all, I’m just going to breathe. At the end of the day, we only get one of these lives, and I’m not going to waste it by stressing out about every little thing.
By: Bria
Dec. 23rd 2024
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