Girl Talk Diaries #2
Girl Talk Diaries #2
If I could go back in time and ask myself, “Knowing what you know now about this guy, would you do it all over again?” the answer would be a hard no. It took a therapist and a few psychics to help me realize that I’d been playing the fool for over four years. Four years of my life wasted on someone I thought “really liked me.” If I could give one piece of advice to my younger self, it would be this: Let it go.
We only get one life. There are no do-overs, no rewinds. All we can do is learn—learn from our mistakes and the mistakes of others. And trust me, I learned. I learned so much about myself and about people.
You’re probably wondering, “What happened?” So, let’s start from the beginning.
Girl Talk Diaries Chapter 1: The Beginning
It was my sophomore year of college. I had just transferred schools and was staying at a Christian house right across from campus—conveniently across the street from fraternity row (which I later learned that’s where he lived). I met him during the first week of classes, at the on-campus coffee bar inside the library. He was the barista there. The moment I saw him, I felt something strange, like I knew him already. It felt like love at first sight—euphoric and magnetic.
We saw each other often, exchanging flirty conversations, though at the time, I didn’t even realize it was flirting. I was innocent, shy, and completely unfamiliar with the way men and women interacted like that.
Eventually, I started working at the sandwich shop on campus, and he’d come by regularly to see me. He flirted, my cheeks turned red, and I got annoyed at myself for being so obvious. It went on like that for about a year until I switched universities again.
Girl Talk Diaries Chapter 2: The Knowing
When I moved away to attend a more affordable school, I just knew I would meet him again. For some reason, I couldn’t shake this feeling that our paths would cross again. I knew it, deep down, like an unshakable gut instinct. I used to think it meant we were soulmates or somehow connected.
Years passed. I forgot about him—sort of. I kept a picture of the coffee shop on my phone, one that he just happened to be in. I’d look at it sometimes, admiring him from afar….like a werido.
Girl Talk Diaries Chapter 3: Fate or Coincidence?
Fast forward to 2020, five years later. Out of nowhere, we matched on Tinder. I couldn’t believe it. He didn’t even live near me, so it felt like fate—like life had brought us back together for a reason.
Because of lockdowns, there wasn’t much to do. We’d meet up at the nature preserve near my house, taking long walks, sitting on a hidden rock, and talking for hours. We were two peas in a pod, and for a while, it felt right.
But deep down, something felt off. I had this nagging suspicion that he was hiding something, but I ignored it. I didn’t have any proof, so I took everything he said at face value.
Girl Talk Diaries Chapter 4: The Truth Comes Out
Fast forward four more years. Now I know everything. That gut feeling I had? I was right. He had been lying the whole time. He was in a relationship and had been using me as a backup. Worse? He wanted to trap me into having kids to soothe his insecurities about not being “where he should be” in life.
In the beginning, he was kind, but six months in, things changed. He started being mean, cold, and critical. I thought it was my fault, so I changed my behavior, trying to be “better” so he’d treat me better.
Looking back, I realize now that I let him control me. I gave so much of myself—my time, my energy, and my happiness—just to make him feel good about himself. But no matter what I did, it was never enough. Looking back though, it seems like when things were going well with his girlfriend (that I later found out about), he’d push me away. When things were bad with her, he’d pull me closer. I ignored the red flags and patterns because I believed in this “fated connection” we had.
Girl Talk Diaries Chapter 5: What I Learned
1. Never let a man control me.
I lost myself in that relationship. Before him, I was vibrant, creative, and full of life. I loved knitting, visiting parks, and coloring. But during those years, I stopped doing all of that. I was emotionally drained, and I didn’t even realize it until it was too late.
I thought I was the problem. I thought I wasn’t good enough. I let him gaslight me into believing every fight, every bad moment, was my fault.
2. Men have insecurities, too.
His behavior came from his own insecurities about not being married or having kids. He lied to me to keep up appearances, but all it did was waste my time. Four years of my twenties are gone—time I will never get back.
Girl Talk Diaries Chapter 6: The Silver Lining
As painful as it was, I do honestly regret the experience. However, it made me smarter, stronger, and more aware of human nature. I’ve learned that not everyone is like me. I value honesty, fairness, and kindness, but not everyone operates that way. Some people will lie, manipulate, and use others to get what they want.
And that’s okay—because I’ve learned from it. I’m a better person now. I know who I am, what I want, and what I won’t tolerate.
The most important lesson? Listen to your gut. When something feels off, it probably is.
For more Girl Talk Diaries, stay tuned!
By: Bria
Dec. 17th, 2024
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