Death and Dying: Coping with Loss and Finding My Way Forward
Coping with death and dying as a kid was heavy. When I was a kid I would wonder all the time what my life would have been like if my dad were alive. It’s so weird to go back to my childhood. A lot of it I’ve forgotten—not because I had a bad childhood, but because things were intense for me. I felt emotions so intensely. It wasn’t until recently that I learned how to harness that energy, and I’m still figuring it out. Being in therapy has opened me up to my vulnerabilities and insecurities.
The What If’s of Coping with Death and Dying
But anyway, back to the subject at hand. When I was a kid, especially when I got in trouble, I would sit and wonder how different my life would’ve been if my father were alive. Would he and I have clicked in a different way? I was envious of the kids who had fathers. At the same time, the bond between my mother and me strengthened as a result of my father’s absence. I am so grateful for my mother, but even today, I wonder what life would’ve been like if my father were still alive. Would he have taken me to father-daughter dances? Would he have gotten me everything I wanted for Christmas? Would he and my mother have gotten married? I ask that because I remember my mom talking about it with my grandmother. Prior to his passing, he had asked my mother to marry him. I feel like maybe, on some timeline, he’s still alive. I hope in that parallel universe, I am happy and grateful to have him.
My Reality in the Aftermath of Death
In this version of reality, he is dead. And I am almost thirty, still wondering these things. It helps to go to therapy to talk about them. But we’ve gotten to a point where the answer, in some cases, is simply because of the death and absence of my dad. For example, my issues with men stem from the absence of my father. When my mother got married, I never liked the men because I thought they were trying to take her away from me, so there was no bonding there either. So when it comes down to it, there’s nothing I can do to fill the missing puzzle piece.
Solutions to Coping With Death
So, what is the solution? What is the resolution? Right now, it feels like there isn’t really a solution, and I just have to take it in stride. My therapist recommended I love myself more, and that’s what I’m trying to do. Even though I’ll always wonder about the life I might have had with my father, I’m learning that the answers don’t define me. What matters is how I choose to move forward. The void he left is real, but it’s not all of me. I’m trying to focus on loving myself in ways that honor both who I’ve become and the life I want to create.
There’s no quick fix, no perfect solution to fill the missing puzzle piece. But maybe I don’t need to fill it. Maybe the lesson is that I’m already whole, even with the gaps and cracks. Therapy is helping me see that, step by step.
For now, I’ll keep taking it day by day, trusting that healing is a process. And as I work on loving myself, I’m holding space for the person I’m becoming—the person who can feel the loss without being defined by it. After all, this is my life to live, and I’m choosing to make it meaningful.
By: Bria
Dec. 24 2024
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